Losing Faith, Losing Heart - Fly on the Wall

Losing faith, losing heart ...

"Keep the faith" they said when I was growing up, but what does that mean? I don't even know if I have got faith or whether I had it and lost it. What is faith anyhow? Is it what my parents and teachers tried to instil in me - words I learned by heart. "I believe in God ......" - words I repeated but didn't understand or make my own. Or maybe faith is something else, something more? Could it be that faith is in some way like a gift, the kind that I never really want - a self-assembly kit that requires some effort to put it together and get it working properly? A gift that calls for studying of an instruction book but I never have the time for that - it just seems too tedious.

Yet, I marvel at other people's faith - their trust and belief in a loving God in the midst of terrible suffering or tragedy. At times I even wonder if they are deluding themselves. But then again, I envy them that kind of faith and wish I had it too. Sometimes when I go to Mass or to a christening, a wedding, or a funeral I feel as if I'm losing out in some way. I sense a hunger, a longing. I wonder if the little faith and belief I had as a child still smoulders within me awaiting someone or something to fan the embers and rekindle or renew my faith - but now I would want an adult faith I can call my own.

But what can I do about it? Must I just wait in hope or do I really want it enough to ask for it? "Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find ......." I've heard that plenty of times. Maybe I'll do that - ask and pray for it and just see what happens.